It's a funny thing in our era of vast knowledge and awareness, to feel like you do not even know yourself. To feel lost and trying to find what will help you make sense of it all, to fill that empty internal void.
It's so easy to feel confused, lonely, and dissatisfied with life. I think it's because our lives, minds and hearts have become so clouded. With nothingness.
We have become a society that hurriedly rushes through their day, just trying to get to the next one. We're waiting for great things to happen, or the "right time" for change... without appreciating what we have now. Without stopping to just take a breath. Without recognizing that NOW is the time.
Many "new-agers" will give you a handful of peppy quotes that are meant to help you feel better, and I'm guilty of doing that as well. I even have a Facebook page dedicated to shiny happy "feel good posts." But the truth is, most of the time... it's just words. Words that mean nothing unless you make the choice to feel differently. After all, life is just a matter of perception and choice. Right?
Truthfully, I'm just as lost as the next person. I'm just as confused. Just as sad. Just as sick and tired, of being sick and tired. For years, I've been trying to "find myself." Find what makes me happy, what I believe in, what my values are... what my purpose here is.
I've looked for answers in many places. I've held many beliefs. It seems that as I grow older, the more questions I have and the less I feel that I actually know.
I was recently thinking about a blog that I used to have and wrote in for years. It was humorous, political and profound (in my opinion). I was so proud of the writing I did there. But just like that, it was taken away. Someone close to me went and erased it all. Years of work... just gone. I was so hurt that I refused to continue writing after that and now, almost ten years later, my brain seemingly works at a quarter of the capacity that it used to. I want it back. The ease of thought and expression through writing, passion, and bravery to communicate openly.
I'm reclaiming it now.
2014 will be my year to get the part of me back that I lost when I gave up writing. It will also be the year that I start sharing everything that I've learned about the world, people, and even my religious understanding. I am releasing the bars of fear, of rejection, of years of hurt that have tainted my soul and confined me.
2013 was a year of personal awareness. Where I really had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself the hard questions. This year, I finally took full ownership of mistakes I've made and the hand I've played in the conflict with others. I used to play the victim role- even when I was choosing to make poor decisions. I was acclimated with excusing myself for everything and felt somehow entitled to even act sanctimonious at times, justifying poor behavior with "the hard life I've endured." It was hard to admit that my life is the way it is today because of my thoughts, feelings and actions. Not because of other people, or circumstance.
I'm proud to recognize that now and have found maturity in those realizations. I can grow from here.
I've also been asking myself questions like- what am I actually contributing here? Not just what is my "purpose" on earth... but what am I doing to contribute to society? All this time wasted sitting around feeling sorry for myself... what do I have to show for my life? (Besides my marriage and children, which are vastly important, but I am speaking of personal contribution and self value).
I have struggled with dead-end jobs, feeling like I was so much more than making minimum wage for the rest of my life... which have lead to entrepreneurial tendencies. I have come up with many business ideas and started at least a half dozen companies in the last 10 years. I start out strong, but eventually the novelty wears off and I move onto something else.
I've also taken many different courses. Some of which, I'm still currently working on- or should be at least.
I am finding that my 'follow through,' is lacking.
Same with routines and goals I set in my every day life.
Start out strong... lose momentum.
How did I build this habit? And why? Fear of success? Rejection? Commitment? Is it fear, or just plain laziness?
That's a truth I'm looking at within myself right now. One I'd like to get to the bottom of and finally correct.
For 2014, I will allow myself to grow and succeed. I will not hide out in my house. I will put on my "big girl panties" and be a (constant) contributing member of society. I will finish my Reiki course. I will finish my Ministerial course. And I will start working on my doctorate degree. I will start volunteering in "End of Life Care." I need to develop my career and finally starting helping people, as I have always dreamed of doing.
I will be more involved with the boards I hold positions with.
I will be more on top of household chores.
Health and exercise will be a priority, with no excuses.
I will put away the smart phone, turn off the computer... and PLAY with my children.
And on top of all that... I will make time to pray. It's been difficult struggling with my faith. I spent my whole life being SURE about God, Jesus, Angels, Heaven... the works. And somewhere this past year, I lost that faith and found doubt and uncertainty in it's place. So, I've decided that I am choosing to trust myself and what I believe to be true. What feels good to my soul. Not what I'm told to believe.
I'm also allowing myself to use and grow my extra sensory gifts, and to work with alternative methods of healing.
For all the anxiety that I've been feeling about the new year and what it will bring- I am making the choice right now, to smile through it all- the good, the bad, the happy, the sad... I will focus on positive thoughts and positive intentions. I choose to be happy.
I choose to be ME- the truest true I can be.
